Digital Relationships

This post is my entry for February’s IndieWeb Carnival being hosted by Manu.

I’m part of a unique generation exposed to the early days of the web communities, but well after what I would consider my formative years as a child. I was in my mid-teens when I became exposed to “the Internet”. I grew up making things with my hands, playing outside and battling my brother for endless hours on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). I had a penpal who lived in a far away place. We only had relationships and digital was mostly an adjective used for displays that were no longer only analog.

The first bits of my online existence began with Yahoo! chatrooms and online forums. I’ve been a geek my whole life, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone to know that evolved to IRC channels, ICQ and AIM chats, Myspace and so on. Zoom to now and various aspects of relationships are being overrun or overruled by digital tools and platforms. I’m still a geek, but one with a much firmer grasp on the mechanics of what healthy digital reltionships mean for me and my relationship with digital platforms that support them.

All that serving as background, in the rawest sense, if the digital term is merely framing for how you initiate and sustain relationships with other humans, it could be explained simply as evolution of medium. We no longer write the majority of our communication on paper to send by mail the same as previous generations ceased stretching animal skins or looking for a flat slab of stone to draft a message. Evolving to email felt novel in the same way that typewriters felt novel to those writing everything by hand. I think in that regard, digital communication medium relationships have much the same pitfalls that other more analog mediums had. My penpal could have included a picture of someone else and said that it was them, though I don’t think it happened as often as deception or misrepresentation does in digital mediums.

This brings me to my current feeling on where things can evolve beyond the boundaries of ease or efficiency. Typing was faster than writing. Drafting an email is faster again. Having a generative AI platform write a letter feels like a fascade. Sending a message to someone that may actually be generative AI is the moment that the coyote looks back and sees the roadrunner standing on the edge of the cliff and it dawns on him that there’s nothing beneath his feet but air. If digital is merely medium and methods, but relationship is still the term that gets the emphasis in the phrase, it’s my opinion that time marches on and I’m the beneficiary of many relationships that spawned and are fostered by a digital component. I have several digital friendships that have never crossed the boundary of in-person interaction. I have some that have never even crossed the boundary of email, which is perfectly fine for me. None of these relationships are ones that I think define much for me beyond community, career and camaraderie. My relationship with my wife is one rooted in in-person conversations and moments of physical connectedness. The digital aspects of our communication are supplemental, which feels like good balance with the scale tipped in the direction that makes us happy.

Again, these are my opinions and like most things, they may not be sound for anyone other than me. How a family sits around a table in public all staring at their phones carrying on reltionships digitally with everyone other than those sitting in close physical proximity is a tip of the societal scale that disturbs me. How others begin, navigate and end romantic relationships exclusively with digital mechanics confuses me. The fact that our world seems to be trending toward more technology that replaces the relationship with more digital depresses me. Evolution is going to happen in spite of any attempts to thwart it, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t the opportunity more carfeully define the trajectory of that evolution.

More relationships with people, supported by healthy relationships with digital means is my own goal. What does that look like in practice? Meals with family where we look each other in the eyes and communicate verbally about our feelings. Physical interactions with other humans when the lives of said humans support it. Lots of emails. Lots of messages and group chats in Messages/Telegram. No “social media” as it has been defined by platforms like Instagram, Facebook, etc. No AI pals. No chatbot chums. Just more people like yourself that read a post like this and decide you’d like another digital relationship in your life and click here.

2024 Feb·04

Migration Complete

Back in December, I started down the path of combining multiple blogs into one.

I thought it would take much longer, but with the combination of some python scripts to reformat other content management exports and a fair amount of copy/pasting and checking for broken links, internal references, etc. it is done.

The redirects have been set for Tech & Coffee and mnmlist·me to route visitors to Tangible Life. The posts from both of those have been migrated here and are all available in the archive section. I changed my mind about not moving my now page and my newsletter here. Honestly, Blot is really nice to use, so pulling those in was worth the extra time. It meant I got to redesign the ▲ of the Mind header/logo. The old one was awesome, but it didn’t fit this site’s theme, so I fired up Figma and created a v2 that I think feels perfect. This renewed attention on the newsletter even motivated me to finish the back issues for the archive. Those had been locked away in an old Revue export and I’d struggled to finish the effort. The first new issue will go out next week and I’m pretty excited about getting back to it.

Nav links at the top of the site route to the site archive/index (which includes tags/search), an about page, ▲ of the Mind and an RSS link. I may bring a photo gallery in the future. I may offer a dark/light theme toggle (conflicted about if this is really worth the effort with decent auto-darkmode extensions these days).

Now that the under-the-hood work is done, all that’s left is to write. So, write I will.

2024 Feb·01

Year of Living Without 2024

As mentioned in an earlier post, I wanted to take time in January to give thought to what I would do without in 2024. I thought that another round of monthly themes would come out of it; however, I’m taking a more basic approach for 2024. Rather than doing without something for a month to train my mind or body to lean into discomfort, I’m going to cut out 3 things for the entirety of the year. Those 3 things are:

1. No soda.
2. No phone usage in bed.
3. No device usage in the bathroom.

I don’t drink soda often as it is; however, I’m going to go without it completely for the remainder of 2024.

I slowed my fiction reading toward the end of last year, and the phone slipped its way back into my end-of-night routine. I’m cutting the phone out of my wind-down routine to resume fiction reading during that time. Starting tonight, the phone will go on the MagSafe charger that’s mounted on the back of the headboard. If there’s a legitimate need to grab the phone to do something (like check the outdoor cameras, etc.), it’s there. It will still serve as my alarm clock (should I sleep through my vibrating alarm on the Apple Watch). I’ll continue wearing my Apple Watch for the silent alarm that allows me to wake up without disturbing my wife. The watch will also allow me to listen to music, podcasts, or audiobooks with an AirPod as I fall asleep. There are a few shows that I’m excited to watch soon, so just before sleep is the only time I have; I’ll use the iPad from the bed or the couch in our bedroom vs. making an exception for the phone. Almost any exception to use the phone from bed leads to using it for anything and everything, so I’m avoiding that risk.

After doing without devices in the bathroom last year for a month, it was a habit that stuck with me for most of the months after that. Sometime during the last two months of the year, I got less aggressive about maintaining it. For the rest of the year, I’m back to no phone, watch, or any other device usage in the bathroom.

There are lots of themes and new habits I want to build during 2024 that have to do with doing MORE of something vs. doing without something, so I think by simplifying the Year Without criteria to 3 year-long eliminations, it will make it easier to also focus on doing more of some things. I’ll write more about that soon.

2024 Jan·31

McCartney: A Life in Lyrics | Season 2 Trailer

I’m excited for this podcast to kick off its second season:

Season 1 was a lovely listen. Having consumed a large amount of Beatles documentary content, hearing Paul describe these behind the scenes perspectives is special. The episodes are short enough to leave you wanting more, but long enough to provide deeper insight. Each one focuses on a song that Paul had a hand in writing. Though I prefer the Beatles-focused episodes, even the songs from his solo and Wings catalog are excellent listens.

In the trailer above for season 2, you hear Paul mention that the seed of the idea for the Sgt. Pepper came from their road manager, Mal Evans, asking him to “pass the salt and pepper”. Paul misheard it as “Sgt. Pepper” and the rest, is history.

2024 Jan·29

Positive Internalization

This post is my entry for January’s IndieWeb Carnival being hosted by foreverliketh.is.

At the end of December, we took a trip to the mountains in Blairsville, GA. My parents spend a portion of the year there, and we’re fortunate enough to have access to their cabin. Since they’d already migrated down to Florida for the winter, it was just us there for some time away from work and typical life obligations back home.

During that trip, the kids and I went over to my dad’s “building” that’s a few miles away from the mountain. I put that in quotes because that’s what everyone calls it. It’s a large metal shed of sorts, but it is large enough to qualify as a building. Not a barn. Not a warehouse. A building. His building. I’ve been there before, but not often enough to really take in what it has become. It has become the museum of a lifelong curation of various tools and materials. Everything (mostly) is sorted and organized into shelves, toolboxes, and containers. All labeled meticulously. When I told him I was headed there with the kids to look for an axe, he responded, “Feel free to look around. I have a few things there.”

All that brings me to how I spent two hours, plus many long moments since, experiencing the positive impact of not just thinking of the memories tied to tools, pictures, and other various artifacts but feeling them both literally and figuratively. Some of the most positive memories I have in my life go back to projects that my dad and I have done together. Holding some of the tools that were used many years ago and seeing, unlike our human form that withers with time, these items were just as they were then—a tool, waiting for the next project to perform. Some of those tools span multiple generations of craftsmen. Each one undoubtedly has countless stories to tell about the things they’ve created, destroyed, and every act in between. More than the project outputs, those tools in his building helped me tell myself the stories all over again, and they meant even more to my sense of positive internalization than I could have realized before I needed an axe.

2024 Jan·28

If a Human Does It

Manu makes some great points in this post.

The example he didn’t include (that royally bugs me) is if a human makes an error, the human is wrong and has made a mistake. When AI does it, it’s a hallucination.

Let me see if that shit flies next time I really screw something up at work.

2024 Jan·16

Another Year of Living Without

Last year, I did a series of experiments where I’d do without something for a month. I skipped a couple of months at the end of the year, but overall I enjoyed what I learned in the process. In the end, only a few things stuck as long-lasting habits. The goal was never to take a monthly theme and apply it forever, but it does have me taking inventory of what lasted longer than a month and why the majority subsided before year end.

I’m going to take January to decide what the monthly “without themes” will be for this year. Some months may be repeats from last year and some will be new things to trial going without. This year I’ll try to be more intentional regarding how doing without something opens the time or space for something else. For example, no phone in bed to open more time for reading before sleep.

I’ll write more about it before the end of the month.

2024 Jan·02

Things I Learned This Year

Carl’s excellent post inspired me to write my own.

1. Reduction is hard. Refinement is harder.
2. Listen to those you love more than you do anything else for them.
3. Rather than thinking about writing, write about the thoughts that have nothing to do with writing.
4. Simplifying workflows nets more and better results than trying to solve for edge cases with complexity.
5. Reading books is more fulfilling than any form of social media.
6. Designing the life you feel good about living is more important than any other design decision you make in life.
7. Slow feeds of self-curated information to consume make algorithms feel even more gross.
8. Personal communication by email is a lost art that needs more widespread revival.
9. AI does not need to be a new feature added to every app or service. AI should reduce our need for apps and services as a feature.
10. Being bored is a restorative time for the brain just as sleep is a restorative time for the body.
11. Anything that has been engineered to be short/quick/bite-sized so I can consume more of it, is probably not good for me.
12. If every time I wanted to tell my parents something I would have needed to wait until they finish “doing something” on their phone, I’d be a shell of the person I am today.
13. Feeling like there’s not enough time for something important in your own life is a great reason to slow down responses and limit immediate access to your attention.
14. Tangible always beats virtual.
15. Invest in the people that inspire you to be the best you and pay them dividends with your actions and words.

2023 Dec·29

Off-Grid Floating Studio

Amazing space featured on Dwell. This image alone makes me want to work from the space:

A workspace with a view

Robert Swatt of Swatt Miers Architects designed this off-grid studio in Healdsburg with glass walls that provide the feeling of working in nature.

The cabin in Blairsville could give me these vibes, but currently I don’t work there by design.

2023 Dec·28

Blairsville Horse

Horse; seven years between photos

I don’t know this horse’s name. It lives on property at the bottom of a mountain in Blairsville, GA. My parents live at the top of that mountain.

Seven years ago, I took the picture on the left and today I took the picture on the right. The horse gave me the same look as I pulled up alongside the fence and snapped the photo. I have no idea what the last seven years have been like for the horse, but just looking at the two pictures it forced me to take inventory of all the changes and evolutions that have taken place in my own over that span.

Being in the mountains of Blairsville is always reflective for me. There’s something about being away from home and yet feeling at home with nature and familiar people and places to lay my head that just open my mind like the right combination on a lock.

I hope both the horse and I are alive for another random afternoon photo in December 2030. I wonder what life stories we’ll exchange with our momentary lock of the eyes then.

2023 Dec·28

App Defaults

I may be late to the “default apps” conversation brought on by the Hemispheric Views podcast, but this post is my contribution. Robb Knight created a great page highlighting other blog posts in the same vein. Manu and Carl posted on their respective blogs, which is how I learned about the craze.

2023 Dec·21

Then There Was One

The Problem

My brain works in taxonomies. I group, categorize, tag and file away things. Ideas, thoughts, opinions, essay drafts and blog posts. To that end, I’ve spread my writing across multiple blogs and a newsletter that I thought would be nice compartments for different types of ideas and subjects. This was a mistake. If I had it to do over again, I’d do all my writing in one place. I can chalk it up to naivety and a feeling that my own name wasn’t worthy of being a place to write on the web. Imposter syndrome sucks, but it isn’t something I’m letting hold me back at this stage in my life (which feels awesome).

The Solution

I’m going to merge everything into one location. Existing domain names will redirect to this one (eventually). I’ll keep the domains registered for an undetermined time because, honestly, I rather like them. If I come up with a better alternate use for them, I’ll repurpose it then. If not, I’ll eventually get over my sentimentality and let the registration lapse and someone else can register and use them. The migration of content from the other domains will take time, but any new blog post (including this one) will get published to this blog.

Tangible Life runs on Blot and there’s a story for how I landed on using it for this, but I’ll save that for another post. It’s called Tangible Life because that’s what I’m striving to live every day. It felt like the best domain name to serve as an umbrella for all types of blog posts I may write. I’ve owned the domain for a few years. It was originally a site hosted at Paper Website, which is a cool idea and service for creating a blog with only physically written content. Ultimately, it didn’t stick for me, but I tranferred the domain out for safe keeping and here we are.

Other Bits

I toyed with the idea of having the consolidated blog be steveledlow.com. It wasn’t the imposter syndrome, but I use that as a landing site with links to my blog (previously plural) and my newsletter. I can see that someday I may have other endeavors I’d like to point visitors to that fall outside this blog, so it will remain my landing site of sorts. It also contains my now page, which will continue to live there. I realize many modern bloggers use Linktree or another “link in bio” type service for this need, but having my own flexible and self-referenced solution for the need feels more “me”.

As I mention above, I’ll keep my newsletter (and more regularly send it). It’s a nice way to share an essay and a few links to cool things. I think some people would rather subscribe to a newsletter than follow a blog, and that’s cool with me. Do one, do both or do none. Whatever works.

I do have one site I wouldn’t consider a “blog” in the traditional sense. I will leave it out of this plan. That’s what’s nice about having your own places on the internet… They can be anything you need them to be.

2023 Dec·17

Live it for the Internet

A quote:

Never in history have lives been less lived, yet so well documented.

I saved this quote because it accurately distills my current outlook on how modern humans are living (or not living) their lives. I don’t remember where I saw it and I don’t remember if it included attribution. While the statement itself saddens me, the motivation it gives me is to ensure that I’m living mine to the fullest. Much of what we perceive from the documented life other humans are sharing is merely perception vs. a reflection of the reality of life.

The question becomes: Who are you when you’re not performing for someone else?

Find out and find yourself in the process.

2023 Nov·29

YLW (October 2023)

Monthly follow-up from my Year of Living Without. October was no candy or ice cream.

It was a great idea to go without candy for October. I only failed two days (one being late on the night of the 31st after skimming a bit from the kid bags). I didn’t keep with the ice cream intention. I realized that my fear was overloading on candy (which seems like it’s around all month long vs. just at the end post Halloween).

I did declutter some, but not nearly as much as I’d hoped to during October. I’m carrying that one into November and letting it be the focus. With some new items inevitably making their way into the house in December, I’d love to have thinned things way down before that.

2023 Nov·05

YLW (September 2023)

Monthly follow-up from my Year of Living Without. September was no hot showers.

Taking nothing but cold showers for a month has been one of the most interesting exercises so far this year. Honestly, it may be the best example of why I set out on this journey. No matter whether it was shower #3 or shower #30, each one came with the sudden breathtaking shock of feeling the cold water hit all of the most “sensitive receptor areas” of my body. After a minute or two, the shock wears off. You get used to it. I could feel the body heat coming off my body as I soaped up. I could feel it escaping through my head as I washed it. Each and every shower was a short experience of connecting with myself. Each and every shower, I looked forward to October 1st when I would have the comforting warm/hot water instead.

I’d do this again, maybe a few times a year, just for the sake of being comfortable with discomfort. Highly recommend.

October is focused on a few areas. I won’t be having any candy. I won’t be eating any ice cream. This seems like a good way to avoid some of the pre-Halloween temptations. I’ll still have cake (two of my kids have birthdays in October). I’ll also be doing some decluttering around the home and garage.

2023 Oct·02

The Manument

Another gem from James Hoffmann:

My favorite moment in the video, that I can relate to comes as he describes using the steaming wand:

Lovely, glossy, silky milk. Pretty achievable with practice. I think this is a great wand to steam with. Very enjoyable, no complaints whatsoever, which for me feels like a rarity.

If I hit the lottery, a Manument might be the first thing I’d order as a gift to myself. Truly beautiful piece of machinery.

2023 Sep·18

Feedback

I’m as interested as Gruber on the validity of this being a well-researched piece of journalism. This line from the original post that he also quotes is the one that I find most ludicrous.

Many companies, executive coaches and HR professionals are looking to erase the anxiety-inducing word from the corporate lexicon, and some are urging it be replaced by what they see as a gentler, more constructive word: “feedforward.”

With almost anything in history, the pendulum swings too far before it comes back to center.

2023 Sep·18

The Only Part of Your Reputation to Worry About

I received the linked article via the great Daily Stoic email newsletter.

Joseph Addison in wrote the following in 1712 about Cato:

We can’t guarantee success, we can do something better, we can deserve it.

Ryan Holiday adds:

The same goes for reputations. Nothing we do can ensure we get the reputation we deserve, but we can deserve a good one. We don’t know whether people will recognize our honesty or hard work or grace under pressure, so we shouldn’t worry about it.

That feels about right.

2023 Sep·07

YLW (August 2023)

Monthly follow up from my Year of Living Without. August was no online shopping from my phone month

I may try to do another month doing without online shopping, but August was defintely not a success. I likely picked a bad month to try this, since school and after school sports, etc. kicking back up is not the ideal time for a parent of six to be attempting to add friction to online shopping. Getting an order in as quickly as possible for novels for class, soccer cleats that actually fit, etc. needs to happen on the spot, so the phone came out and the items came to the doorstep.

I still think it’s a great idea to attempt to increase the friction of consumption, so I’ll slot this one for another month in the future when it won’t cause chaos in my world to such a high degree.

September has already started with no hot showers, and I can say it’s interesting so far.

2023 Sep·06

Bob Barker Dies at 99

Gruber and I are not far apart in age, and he nails the memory for when I spent time with Bob Barker (and Judge Wapner in the 10am - 11am ET slot right before):

If you’re of a certain age (mine), sick days home from school revolved around watching The Price Is Right at 11am.

2023 Sep·06

YLW (July 2023)

Monthly follow up from my Year of Living Without.  July was a month of being without a goal of doing without

So July was a month spending time with my family and doing fun summer activities. I realized that some of my previous month exercises are still habits, while others felt like they weren’t as solid (I drank soda 2-3 times, just because I wanted the taste with certian foods). I didn’t shame myself afterwards, I just remembered that July was a more relaxed month in this overall scheme.

August was going to be no hot showers, however, I forgot we were in August and didn’t realize it until after my 2nd hot shower. I’ve decided to make August “no online shopping from my phone” month. It’s a little too convenient to buy something on Amazon someitmes when there’s a shopping cart in your pocket all the time. If I want to buy something, I’ll have to make my way to my computer or tablet, open up a web browser and do it the old fashioned way. This may seem like a silly differentiation, since I’m not saying I won’t buy anything online, but I think just the little bit of friction is what I’m actually going for in the process. We’ll see at the end of August how it went.

I’ll also be going back to more strict following of some of the other habits, not that many slipped in July.

2023 Aug·06

River Ranch

The River Ranch program is laid out in a courtyard plan, which is formed by the main house, the guest wing, and the pool. The outer layer of the courtyard is made of 2’ thick rammed earth walls that appear to emerge from the land and form a protective shell for the interior of the building.

What a beautiful residence from Jobe Corral Architects. The pictures alone are an experience.

2023 Jul·06

YLW (June 2023)

Monthly follow up from my Year of Living Without.  June was no email newsletters month.

June was a success! I went into Mailbrew weekly and hit the ‘archive all’ button and got a nice little confetti emote each time I cleared the queue. What June has taught me is that I was subscribed to several great newsletters that I can really do without. I also learned that while Mailbrew is an amazing app, it is one I’m going to try to phase out.

The ability to create newsletters from Reddit content (which is a whole other dumpster fire given the API debacle that’s happened over there), RSS feeds, YouTube content, etc. is great, but it also leads me to create more content consumption patterns than what I actually need. I’m moving the 3 newsletters I’d like to keep getting over to Matter. That’s my read-later app of choice, and it integrates with my writing flow. By ceasing use of Mailbrew, I’ll have less places to consume digital content, which seems like a nice step towards additional focus.

July was going to be no hot showers, but I have decided to take July off from the YLW experiment. August will be no hot showers. I’ve maintained not drinking anything other than coffee and water, with two exceptions in June. Still primarily in grayscale mode. Still pooping in the dark. Using July to regroup and maintain the longer-term habits that have been forming feels right.

2023 Jul·02

103 Bits of Advice I Wish I Had Known

A lot of gems in this list, but two of my favorites are:

Don’t wait for the storm to pass; dance in the rain.

and

Productivity is often a distraction. Don’t aim for better ways to get through your tasks as quickly as possible, rather aim for better tasks that you never want to stop doing.

Kevin posted this list of 103 bits when he turned 70, but then curated a list of 450 in book form. The books is called Excellent Advice for Living and it’s on my to read list.

2023 May·30

Christopher Walken Shares the Secrets of Acting Like Christopher Walken

Of all the characters that people love to impersonate, Christopher Walken is in the top 3.

The entire read is great if you’re a Walken fan, but this gives me hope that I’ll have a memoir to read in the future:

Do you ever consider writing a memoir?

I do. I have yellow pads, stacks of them. One of these days I need somebody to help me get it organized. I was thinking of getting a court stenographer and just talking and having them write it down without any punctuation and seeing what would happen. I’ve always resented punctuation.

2023 May·29